Sunday, 16 October 2011

being mummy..

Being a young mum. It is so many different emotions all at the same time.
love, envy, confusion and patients are just a few and as you can see they all contradict themselves entirely.

Love - it fills every crevice of my body for this beautiful little girl who i made. Who laughs and drools and spews every were. who can't talk but loves nothing more than the sight of your face. Something so rare has become so common in my life and it feels amazing.

Envy - because i do want to still do the things i did before, even though i know that it's mostly impossible. Having my friends go out and have fun and not be invited. well  it sucks who ever you are. Or the girls he looks at but cant stand the sight of me. child birth is a scary scary thing i understand that but it still makes me feel worthless.

Confusion - Why does this little person love me so much? How can i get so annoyed with sleepless nights, dirty nappies and spewed on clothes when she loves me so much. What makes me such a special mother? What can i do to make her love me forever and to listen to me and be the best mum i can be.
Why can't i lose the baby weight fast enough. What have i done differently? Who have i become. Is this who i really am? is this my purpose in life? why wont he look at me the same? why wont he kiss me like he used to?
Why is this all happening so fast. the list of questions is endless. and i am still in the process of answering them.

Patients - It is so important to have patients especially with a new born who's only way of communication is crying. Patients to get organised and into some form of routine. Patients for the people around you who want to pick her up at bed time or baby sit or give me advice over and over again. It's a personal trait that would go along way as far as wife or mothering goes.

I longed to be a mummy and when i found out i was pregnant (at 19) it was the happiest, scariest most exhilarating day of my life. I fell in love with the life inside of me instantly, it was my gift. I new from that day on things would never be the same but i was happy to follow it through and see were life intended this test to walk.
Telling my family was just as horrifying. I have 3 brothers who are older than me who dont have kids yet so you can imagine how i felt. along with a sister who had other things in her life (as if she needed any more stress) Mum well, she has watched me make mistakes over and over and i thought surely she would be disappointed. and my DAD oh god. I'm only 19 I'm his little girl what ever will he think. well i can tell you that he was less than impressed at first but to tell you the truth he turned around and was more compassionate towards me than ever before. I was so surprised at how a new life can bring so much positive change to the world..

1 comment:

  1. I so admire your honesty, strength and courage. I can only begin to imagine how completely amazing, exhilarating and terrifying this whole mothering thing is, especially if it happened before you may have been expecting it. Thank you for sharing your story : )